How can I become more attuned to my child’s emotions?

Attunement

Attunement is a key concept in the world of child and adolescent psychology. When our child is born, we define attunement as those subtle interactions we have with our infant that communicate with him/her that we feel their emotions. It is a sort of mirroring that begins the process of forming a strong attachment style. One of my favorite scholars in the field, Dr. Dan Siegal, defines attunement as “allowing our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of ‘feeling felt’ that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected.”  I love this definition because it highlights the fact that we can be attuned to our children at any age and stage of life. Too often as parents we falsely believe that the only important time to be attuned to our child is during infancy. And yet, we know from research in child development that maintaining a strong bond with your child requires regular attunement throughout their lives. It’s work, but it’s incredibly rewarding to both parent and child.

Preschool

Children in this age range tend to express their feelings through play. They love to engage in the world of pretend play. Find moments in your day when you can be completely attuned to your preschooler by following their lead in their world of role play and imagination. When you act out a role with your child, you can name different feelings that the characters seem to be having. This will show your child that you do “get” his/her feelings. Below are examples of showing attunement to children at different developmental stages.

Elementary

Children in this age still express their feelings through play but can also tell you in more detail how they feel. It is tempting to try to “fix” our children’s problems when we see them hurting. Resist this temptation and instead allow yourself to validate your child’s emotional experience as it happens. Once you do this, your child will be more open to your thoughts on how to solve any issues that might be creating the emotional struggle.

Middle School

Middle school kids have it the worst (in my humble opinion). They don’t always know how they will feel at different moments of the day. Although it’s tempting to patronize kids at this age, remember that being attuned means mirroring their feelings even if you don’t fully understand them.

High School and College

How do we stay or become more attuned to our high school and college kids? Devoting time to their interests, even if we struggle to understand them. Ask them questions about their interests, their friends, and their dreams without judgment and with true curiosity. Then, send them messages through your body language and words indicating that you see their perspective, even if you don’t agree. They will feel seen.