So often when parents ask about how to best discipline their child it comes from a place of desperation. “Nothing works with this kid “is a typical refrain. I believe them. I’m sure their kids are difficult to discipline. It might be that they have a child with an intense, sensitive, or neurodiverse make-up that requires exceptional parenting skills. It could also be a typically developing child who simply does not want to follow directions. Regardless of the child’s neurobiology and temperamental style, what I can guarantee needs immediate attention for discipline to work: the relationship.
So how do we know if our relationship is off track? For healthy discipline to work, parents must already have a strong positive relationship with their child. We must connect before we can correct. Work from Jaime Raser (2003) describes the business and personal aspects of parenting. The business aspect of parenting includes structure, rules, and discipline. The personal part of parenting includes nurturing, play and affection. It’s a tricky juggling act to cycle between the two parts of parenting. If you are all business, you and your child miss out on the joy of parenting. On the other hand, if everything is personal, you will struggle to set limits and not take your child’s intense response personally. So how do we negotiate and create balance between the two?
When I was in graduate school my residency experience included time at a community mental health center for children and their families. The parenting group that I led used a program called “Catch Them Being Good”. It was a workbook that we used to teach the parents how to recognize when their child was doing what was expected and comment on those behaviors. Too often we focus our energy and attention on our children when they misbehave. On the other hand, we are usually quiet and enjoying the” peace” when they behave, so we forget to point out their positive behaviors. But when you shift your attention to building up the emotional “savings” account with your child, your reprimands and discipline tools will be more effective. Your kids will know deep down (because you’ve shown them), that you are aware of all the good they do, not just the missteps.
Highlights:
- Make sure your own emotions are well regulated.
- Connect before correct!
- Maintain clear and consistent expectations.
- Consequences should be logical and enforced calmly, without a lot of intensity that could create secondary emotional gains for the child.
- Check your own anger – discipline isn’t about a personal offense; it is about creating emotional safety and stability for your child.
- Remember the “big picture” not the “small snapshots” of your discipline.
