Parents often worry about whether their children are behaving in ways that are “normal”. Although normal is a relative term, we do have general guidelines from child development and pediatrics to help us navigate this aspect of parenting. I lean on the work of Erik Erikson (1956). According to Erikson, the socialization process consists of eight stages. Each stage builds on the one before it.
Stage 1: Trust VS. Mistrust (developing hope – ages 0-18 months) During this first, incredibly crucial time, your job as a parent is to nurture your infant. This stage sets the “tone” for the trajectory of your child’s life. Will he or she feel that the world is a safe and reliable place? How do you provide for your child during this stage? You are at their beck and call. Literally. This means rocking, feeding, cooing, and engaging with your baby as much as possible. The well-nurtured infant develops trust and a basic sense of security and optimism. The infant believes that when he/she cries, their needs will be met. And if you can’t figure out what the need is (they are pre-verbal after all), you or another caregiver will give it your best try! This is the time to bring every caregiver on board to help with the round-the-clock feedings, the colic, and witnessing baby’s “firsts”.
Stage 2: Autonomy VS. Shame (developing will – ages 18 months to 3) – The nurtured toddler who is allowed to make choices for oneself while having a safe “container” by the parent will develop a sense of pride instead of shame about his/her immerging sense of self. The need to become a separate, but connected individual typically leads to behavioral issues at home. Some of these include tantrums, willfulness, and struggles with staying in their new toddler beds. Many children begin a preschool or daycare program during this stage and will display significant separation anxiety when you drop them off for the day. Parents will often talk about their child’s little personality beginning to declare itself during this time. In my practice, we discuss temperamental styles and how the toddler is showing parents who they are through their actions.
Stage 3: Learning Initiative VS. Guilt (developing purpose-ages 3-6): The preschool age is typically called the “play age” when the healthy child learns to imagine and broaden skills through active play, cooperation with others, lead and follow. You will see a typically developing child have an “explosion” of language by age three if they haven’t already. The need to play, imagine and engage with others is most important during this stage. Guilt can develop in the preschooler if they feel over-controlled or scolded or restricted by adults. Many times, in my clinic, I see well-meaning parents over-talk and over-correct a typical preschool child who is simply exploring their environment. I often joke to parents that children this age simply cannot walk. They must run everywhere! Understanding that this is typical for this age can help a parent relax and embrace the chaos that the preschool child creates as they learn about their world.
Stage 4: Industry VS. Inferiority (developing competence – ages 6-11): The elementary-aged child learns to master relating to peers by understanding social rules. Children during this stage can be seen progressing from free play to play with formal rules. Board games and team sports become more important to children at this age. The child who is successful progressing through this stage has a trusting and autonomous relationship with parents. She/he is allowed to make mistakes with gentle guidance. As a result, the child begins to develop an internal working model of competency and trust. When they are over-controlled or not allowed to learn from their mistakes, they develop a sense of inferiority. In other words, well-meaning parents who keep their kids from activities in which they might fail, can contribute to a child’s sense that they are incompetent. A child with a low sense of self is one who has never learned that they can handle failures or problems.
Stage 5: Learning Identity VS Identity Diffusion (develop fidelity – ages 13-20): During this stage the adolescent now learns how to answer the question of “who am I” to the best of their ability. It is typical for emerging adults to have fears and self-doubt. In fact, teens often identify themselves with their peers and contrast themselves with their parents. Don’t let your teens’ dismissive attitude toward you, your values, or your well-intentioned lectures discourage you. Stay strong in who you are. Set the boundaries for them and stick to it. Teens say they want their parents to be cool and let them do whatever they want. But what they need is someone who doesn’t waver, who holds the line, and who is compassionate yet firm with their boundaries. It is a time of experimentation and pushing against parents’ beliefs. Teens need their parents to stay secure, stable, and present. In my clinical practice, I have encountered numerous teens complaining that they just want their parents to give a rule and stick with it. Trying to please your teen is a losing battle and one that your teen ultimately doesn’t respect.
Stage 6: Learning Intimacy VS. Isolation (love – ages 20-30): The young adult strives to experience true intimacy through partnership and deep friendship.
Stage 7: Learning Generativity VS. Self-Absorption (care – age 30-70): In adulthood, the social-emotional crisis is to create productive lives, both in work and family development.
Stage 8: Integrity VS. Despair (wisdom – age 70+): If the other seven stages have been achieved, the mature adult reaches a state of wisdom and satisfaction. She develops integrity in her life choices, her pursuits, and how she will live her remaining years.
