Parenting is a lifelong journey; it is not a destination. Just as in life, parenting has ebbs and flows. There are moments of joy and heartache and there is plenty of the mundane and boring when one is a parent. To truly be engaged and at peace with parenting, one must accept that the experience is unpredictable. Being connected to your child, even during the boring and difficult times is just as important as being connected to your child during the “hallmark moments” that we all dreamed about before we became a parent. What does it mean to be “connected”? According to the American Psychological Association, connected parenting is “related to attachment parenting and focused on building a lifelong connection with one’s child”, APA, 2022. What does this look like? 

A Connected Parent is:

  • Self-regulated – they know how to calm themselves before they try to calm their child.
  • Attuned to a child’s regulated state – they have a good understanding of what is happening in their child’s body as a separate process from their own.
  • Curious about a child’s behaviors – they always want to understand the “why” behind children’s behaviors, especially noncompliance.
  • A safe container – they can soothe and stay firm with boundaries during their child’s dysregulation.

A Disconnected Parent is:

  • Reactive – they behave impulsively and without a plan in response to their child’s behaviors. Often this results in behaviors the parent regrets.
  • Disassociated from oneself – they walk through life and parenting without being truly aware of what they are doing. Their own emotions tend to be blunted or disregarded.
  • Avoidant and disinterested – they are preoccupied with their own interests and show little enthusiasm for their child’s thoughts, feelings, or activities.
  • Unable to tolerate a child’s dysregulation – they become dysregulated and anxious in response to their child’s emotional expression. They tend to ride the emotional rollercoaster with the child, or they completely dissociate from their child.

As you read through these lists, remember that we all cycle through various aspects of being connected and disconnected. Nobody is all one way or another. And life requires that we be flexible with ourselves and with our parenting. If you feel you fall more into a disconnected state of parenting more days than not, then take stock. Remind yourself that the years do speed by, whether you savor them or not. Aim for being more connected by slowing down, doing one thing at a time (multi-tasking isn’t possible anyway), and remembering your unique relationship with your child is what matters most.